Emotions way too many!!

I don't even know how to start this blog, but I know I need to get a few thing off my mind this morning. I have tried so many things to keep my mind busy since your murder. And for the most part it's working but days like today your all I can think about. All the question I have and will have I can't get out of my mind. I need answers and I am not getting them. My heart aches for just a voice of reasoning, but it seems like I never get it. The need of seeing JUSTICE for you is so over whelming. After talking to the A.D.A. I don't see that justice will ever be served.

Court, Big let down again Today

Went to court again today and yet again no trial. Just another reset now we are looking to October to even see if we will to go to trial. I don't understand what is taking so long to get this done every one knows what happen and who did this to you but looks like no one is ready to do any thing about it. It hurts to keep dragging this out for so long. I don't know how much more I can stand really now....... I need to see JUSTICE for you and I don't know if I can make it till I do see it.

Court Hearing Again (8-6-12)

My dearest Angel,
     We have court again in the morning. (8-6-12) So far every time we have went it has been one reset after another. So many emotions feel me I can't get them out. I struggle with your death more and more every day. With trial still pending I wont ever get to know what happen to you that night and I think that's the hardest. Days seem to never end and with the sleepless nights, I never get you off my mind. I try to fill every waking moment with some thing to do, so I can keep my mind busy and not cry every second of every day. I wish that I could know what happen. I just want to know what they we're thinking, why would they kill you? What made them think your life was not important enough not to be able to live it? It's harder than most parents can deal with and I would not wish this on any parent. The heartache I deal with every day. The dread to see the sun again in the morning knowing your not waking up to see it with me. I will never get to see you grown and have a family of your own. Never see you marry, never get to see you become the mother you wanted to be. Your hope and dreams now all a waste. I have so many plans on projects to do in your honor, just don't know how to get them started. I started a support group for murdered children, but it's not going so well right now. But I will not give up, I will see it through till the end, for you.
     Even now as I write this my eyes are filled with tears, it's the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. The loss of 2 of my 4 children. Your death is so much harder though, to be taken the way you was is not fair. I can't wrap my mind around the HOW? To be run down like a dog with no concern for life. A child does not deserve that. You should be here living your life like you wanted to do.......   Love and miss you everyday.. Your Crazy Lady

Charli's Story

                     CHARLI’S STORY

I am going to tell you about a beautiful young girl that was taken way too soon.

Sometime in September,1994 I found out that I was pregnant. I didn't know what I was going to do at that moment really. I was only 17 years old and not married. I told the father that I was pregnant and waited for him to decide what he wanted to do. It didn’t take him long.  “We decided to have the child.”

On June 20, 1995 Charli Rae Gore was born at 6:12 am. After a long night of very hard labor we had the most beautiful little baby girl I had ever seen, 7 pounds 2 oz 19 and 1/4 inches long. Her face was all scratched up from her nails, but she was beautiful anyways. I was the happiest mother around; I couldn’t believe that I had just given birth to a real person, a person that we made.  She loved her daddy from the start. Charli would play peepers with him only hours old. Her first nickname was peepers because of it. There was a bond with the two of them as soon as I told her daddy we were going to have a baby. A bond that could not be broken, we thought.

Through the years she grew with leaps and bounds. She started school in August of 2000. By that time I had 3 other children, 2 girls and 1 boy. So I had 4 children in total. I had buried one girl at the age of 2 months 28 days old. We were getting through everything fine, a lot of hard work and my little family were growing so strong every day and I loved it.

From the day I found out I was going to be a mother that’s all I ever wanted to be and to be the very best at it too. I worked very hard at trying to make my family have the best life it could, while daddy was always working hard for us.

By the time Charli hit her teens year’s things were not going so smoothly. She had a boyfriend we didn’t approve of and she only wanted to rebel against us for it. Her being my oldest I had a lot of learning to do before I could see things her way. I handled many things wrong with Charli, I shouldn’t have pushed so much and I shouldn’t have given in too many times like I did. Through all of this, I’ve learned that I needed to grow up just a bit more. I could have taken a different road but I didn’t. I learned my lesson very fast with Charli she kept me on my toes all the time. Our biggest problem with each other was Charli had a better hold on most situations then I did. I was the mother her,the child, but she knew more than me and I can see that now. She was so smart in many different ways. When I couldn’t get the other 2 children to listen to me she could. She had a better way of doing most things. In many ways, in another life Charli should had been my mother and I her child. This caused us to fight way too much. Charli was so very head strong too, just like her daddy. She wanted things her way or else. If it wasn’t Charli’s way she was not happy!!  I tried to give all 3 of my children everything they wanted in life, I think that is where I went wrong with Charli, I wanted to be more of her best friend then I wanted to be a mother. Because then I knew maybe we wouldn’t fight so much. There were times that I was the mother she needed or I thought so at the time. I do regret that I didn’t make better choices from the start.

Now it’s early 2011 by this time Charli and I are not Seeing Eye to eye on a lot of things. She wants to be grown and live on her own but she was only 15 years old and I want her to be a kid as long as she could. Charli has started dating this new guy from school and for the most part he was a good kid from what I could see. But I wanted Charli to be able to finish school and keep her grades up and to be home more. She only wanted to be with him every waking moment. So the fighting and running away started all over again with us. Charli was so hard headed about being her own person. I know that she wanted to be all grown up but it was not time for that at this moment. She still had so much growing up to still do; even though she was wise for her short life she still needed to grow more. I did not want her to become a mother herself at a young age like I did. I wanted so much better for my children than I had growing up. I wanted them to be wealthy adults and not struggle with everyday life. Not to have to worry about money like we do.

Charli had taken off on Thursday April 14, 2011 at 7:15 am. It was not the first time she had ran away that week. I can remember the shoes that I had just handed to her hitting the ground. She was gone; I couldn’t even catch up to her. I went to the police department after I got the other kids to school and filed run away charges on Charli again for the 30^th time! Like all the other times I just knew that she would be home in a few hours. They always found her and brought her home safe and sound. I did not know that morning was going to be the very last time I saw my beautiful blue eyed baby girl ever again. I waited and would call the police every few hours to see if they had found her. All I ever got was not yet Mrs. Gore but we are looking and will call as soon as we find her. Two very sleepless days later, I got a call from the mother of the boyfriend, she had told me that Charli had went to her sister n laws house early that morning around midnight to see the boyfriend. The Aunt would not let Charli see him and told her that she was a run away and she needed to leave. In that same phone call she was hearing from her husband who was on another phone being told that a call just came in that there was a young woman’s body laying unresponsive in the ditch. As she was telling me this I knew it was my child’s dead body laying there. I don’t know how I knew but I just did. I finished getting dressed and drove myself to the scene. I prayed that it wasn’t my child but I knew it was deep down in my heart. I waited for the investigators to come to me and let me know that indeed it was my child. That was the longest 3 hours of my life, I watched them talk about what happen, measuring the scene, talking as if there wasn’t a little girl dead in the ditch. I can remember the officer when he started talking to me and hearing him tell me by what he could tell it was my Charli that had been hit and killed. I know I heard him right because she was gone but my brain was not listening. I was in so much shock, I felt my knees going weak about to slip right out beneath me but all I could hear was blah blah blah from the officer. I knew he was telling me what happen to Charli and I also knew that he known her from months past. But I wanted it not to be real. I wanted my child to be ok and to be alive. I can remember after a few moments later asking if I could go the short distant to see my child laying in the ditch, but the officer said that would not be a good thing for me to see. I really didn’t care what he thought, but I needed to see for myself it was my child laying there. As he talked about what they thought had happen to her all I could think was, why my child? How could someone take her from me? How could they just leave her laying there in that dirty ditch? Why didn’t they call for help? How long had she laid there and suffered from her injuries. There was so many questions running through my head at that moment and I couldn’t make them stop. I wanted to hold my child so bad at that moment and they wouldn’t let me. The officer had asked me if I drove myself and told him yes then he asked the mother standing there with me to please drive me home. At that time I was so shaken by what I just heard I could have never driven home. I made the call to my husband to let him know that our child had been MURDERED. That was the hardest call I ever had to make. To let him, her daddy, know that his child was no longer here with us. I will never forget the look on his face when I got home that morning, him pleading with me to not let it be so. That I had to be lying to him, that Charli was not DEAD. I had never been so heartbroken at that moment; I never wanted to make that call. It was the saddest look I had ever seen on his face, and I had put it there. I know that I wasn’t the one that killed our child but I felt like I had at that moment. I felt his pain, we had lost our first born child and we couldn’t make her come back. Yes we had lost another child together but it wasn’t like this. Kera had died from SIDS, something that we never knew about until it happen. We couldn’t stop it from happening to her. But to have a child murdered and taken from you is so much harder. You teach your children from a very young age that there is bad people out in this world and you try to make them understand that not all people are good. I know that I had given Charli all the tools and understanding I could, but I didn’t think I would lose her to a murder like this. I thought I had taught her better. I taught her how to walk on the right side of the road when walking and how to get out of the way of moving cars when she heard one coming up on her. I just never thought that someone would chase her down like a rabid dog. Charli had gotten out of the way like I had taught her to do. She was in the mid part of the driveway; out of the road enough that they should had never hit her with the car. That is the hardest I think knowing that they wanted to kill her for no good reason. What did she do to piss you off so bad at her? She was only a child! Charli had never hurt anyone in her life. She wouldn’t stand for bullying ever. She would give you the last piece of clothes she had if that was what you wanted. She cared for everyone and everything. She had the biggest heart I had ever seen and she loved with everything she had in her. To have only lived a short time she had touched so many lives already. I knew that she would have changed the world with that heart of hers.

Charli did not deserve to die that way, she had so much life in her still. She deserved to live a full life and to have children of her own. To become the vet she wanted to be, she loved animals and she wanted to make a whole life around them. She deserved to be whatever she wanted to become.

It’s been a little over a year now since her Murder and the persons responsible are still walking free and have not been charged with murder. The police they only want to charge one person with aggravated assault with deadly weapon and failure to stop and render aide. They say they can’t prove at this time it was done on purpose. When it all happen last year they told the news media that it was done intentionally and they were investigating it as a murder. Now a year later they’re not anymore, WHY? Doesn’t my child deserve to be treated like every other person in the world or she the only one that can be left lying in a ditch dead and no one cares, but her father and I.

I still have so many questions about what happen that night, but I have come to realize that I might never get to know all the answers. I will never know why my child thought it was a good idea to leave my house and to be on that street that late at night and why she was killed the way she was. I can’t be the only parent out here in this world that wants answers, justice for the person’s that took a precious child away from her family.  I still struggle with all of it and still ask so many questions but not getting to the bottom of it all its killing me. I am in the dark; I need to know so many things. I need to see that my child was not killed in Vain. I need piece of mind to settle my heartache from all of this………

My thoughts

Charli, I have made it a year now since your murder. I hear people say that time will heal all wounds, but I don't see that right now. It is still hard today as it was that morning. I try to be so strong but there are days I don't think I can carry on with all of it. I face the killers from time to time and wonder what they are thinking? I haven't been able to see past the pain in a very long time. I know you wouldn't want for us to hurt this much, but that's all we do right now. I can't get past they way they took you, the way you was just left in the ditch to die. As no one cared for you. I've tried too see how they could just run and leave the scene. I know that the persons involved had no remorse and that they didn't care what they did, but I am not like that I can't believe that some one with children could do that to a child. To any one's child. I struggle with this every day. I haven't gotten all the answers and probably never will. I just hope that one day I can get the closer that I so need. I haven't been able to hear your voice in a year and I don't want to forget it. I think that is the hardest thing right now for me. I see your pictures all the time and I will never forget your face, but your voice is slipping away from me and it's killing me. I need to hold your hand again and I never will be able to...... These people took away my best friend. I will never get to talk to you about any thing. I haven't been able to see through all the pain. I am just lost Charli......... I don't understand how you could be gone so soon... All I ever wanted to be was your mother. To hold you and give you the world. Now I don't know what to do. I AM SO LOST..... I know you will never read any of this, but I just need to get it out. I need you here with me and your not. Because some one took your life away and don't even care how much it hurts your family!!!!!!! All I have is the memories we had together and that's just not enough for me.....

Song for Charli

I am not a song writer but I had to try at least. I have written this song for Charli months ago. Just wanted to get out some of my feeling for Charli and what I thought at the time.


                     Title:Watching From Heaven
V.1   I sit here watching you from heaven, watching you grieve.
I see that you are always upset. Not knowing how to take your next step.
I see how your heart aches for me. Just know that I am with many loved ones, and we are always watching over you from Heaven.

Chr.     I'm with you every step you take, you can not see me, but I am there. I watch you when your crying. I see the sleepless nights. I see every minute of your life. I am always watching over you from Heaven.

V2.    I've asked God to take your pain away. To help you not hurt so much. To help you understand the why. This is what he said, My Child she needs to know the pain to be able to get through the grieving. It will make her strong. To hold the road ahead.

V3.   I've always wondered why God could give such heart ache. Why he could not save the pain, I've seen in your eyes. Now that I am in his hold I see so clear, That it makes you so much stronger. Just listen to your heart and know that, I am always watching you from Heaven.