Oh Charli PLEASE help,
I am so conflicted today, from the start of all this we we're told that you was killed for no reason. That your life didn't matter, I never thought I would feel this way today at all. Was told from the start that the persons that killed you left you there and never cared that they did this. I couldn't understand how someone could do this to you. My world has changed so much since 2011, it has changed for all of us Charli. I didn't understand the reason for your death until now, and I don't know how to handle what I have been told. I know that you would had already forgiven and moved on with life, But the hurt is still so raw for us. It's been over two years now since your death and it feels like yesterday that they took your life from us. I truly could see the hurt and remorse in the eyes of your killers. They are tormented every day, but they will never know how we feel. I want to do what is right by you and for you, but I don't know what to do or how to feel about all of this now. Charli I ask you to please show me what you are trying to tell me to do on this whole situation. I really need your help here, you would tell me to forgive that I know, but I don't know how to go about that right now. My head is saying one thing and my heart tells me another. Even at your young age I know you would had done so different with this situation than I have. I'm just not sure what I need to do, I really need you to point me in the right direction here. I need your knowledge so much here. I am so very conflicted, I want them to serve jail time for taking your life, but now I feel like I shouldn't want so many years like I had in the beginning. WHAT DO I DO Charli???????
With much concern: Your Crazy Lady
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
TOO many Questions still....
I still don't know the why or the how on your case and I don't understand why it is taking so long to get you Justice. I miss you more and more every minute that passes. If you was still here we would be getting you ready for college right now. The scariest thing about all of this is that I am so scared that I am going to lose you daddy now too. If the person responsible for killing you get off, I will lose your dad to the system...We fight about the littlest things now and I don't like that... I know we can't go back in time and change what happen but some times I sure wish I could... I see little signs of you being around and that makes losing you so much harder. Don't know how much more of the waiting game I can take right now. I have way too many evil thoughts, more than I should have and you know that's not me. I've never thought I could be so evil or have the thoughts that I have, until your murder..... Charli I ask you to help myself and your dad and sister to get the heeling we need and be able to see the brighter side of LIFE again... Love, Your Crazy Lady
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Dearest Charli,
Life is not the same now that you are gone. Another month ,another Birthday your not here. I can't remember your voice and I think that kills me the most. I can see you dancing in the living room and I can see your mouth moving but I can't hear your voice at all. I close my eyes and see that beautiful smile on your face, the way the light in your eyes lite up when you was happy, but no voice. I hope it's just in my head and when we do go to trial and I get to be your voice for you then your voice will come back to me. My hope for this is to let people know your story and be your voice for troubled teens. I know that your story has touched a few already and I will keep it going as long as I can. This I promise to you............. So much LOVE, YOUR CRAZY LADY
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Dear Charli,
As a new year begins for us, it reminds me how your not here. We wait for a trial to start and as the days turn into months, even years for it. It seams that you will never get your chance in court. Our life has changed so much since your murder, there are days neither dad or I think we can get through. Our love for you has never falter, it grows more and more every day. We just wish you were here to see it and feel it. I struggle every second of the day to keep myself from breaking down and just giving up, I know that every one see's me as a strong person. If they only knew how weak I really am. I have learned how to put up a good front for the most part, but really all I want to do is break down and cry. For some one to tell me that it's OK to do that. It's OK to just be the "baby" that I feel I am. I have always been thought to not let any one see my emotions in public I never really understood why, but I have done it for so many years now I don't think I can change it now. Some think that I am just a monster because I can't cry when I talk about you and what happen. It was drilled in my head for so many years not too, not to give people a weapon to bring me down further... To let anyone see my weak side. Even as I write this now I feel like I am letting you down, showing my true feeling. It's just that my heart and soul is so full of hurt this is the only way I know how to get some of it out. I long to see you and to hear your voice, I feel like I am losing every memory of you even being on this earth. I strain to remember your voice, I can see things that you have written and I can remember how your arms felt around me, but I for the life of me can't remember how your voice sounded. I've tried to recall any thing that has your voice on it and I can't find it. I've even tried to find old videos we made, but yet again there aren't any. I think that is what hurts the most, because as hard as I try I can't remember your voice, I know it's in my head some wheres. I just can't make myself find it. I wanted to write today about you and only you, not how I felt and how my feeling are, but this is what is coming out. I have found out through this horrible situation I am not the person I wanted to be. I don't think that you were murdered for me to find this out, but I do think because of it I have leaned so much about myself. I have learned that I can be a better person and that I can as you would say pull up my boot straps and take on what life has handed me. I've learned that your life the way you wanted to live it was a good way I, so should live mine. This is very weird for a parent to say that her child knew many more things about life in her short years, but I can now say that. I can say that with the heart you had for others and animals has made me look at how I was living and NOW I want to be a person that can help others in my situation and see how many animals I can find homes for. I now understand why you did the things you did for what you believed in. It took me losing you to understand this. It hurts like hell the pain, the heartache, the loss of my child. ( for no reason) But I am glad that I have been woken up to a new world of hope for others. I will strive to help in any way I can to see that other Parents get the help they need for a troubled teen and if the circumstances arise that they lose their child I will be there for a shoulder to lean on. To cry with them when they need to know that they are not alone in the pain of child loss... Charli I want to thank you for opening my eyes and teaching me that life is much better when you have a heart as big as yours to share with others. For the joy that you gave me for all the years I got to have you. I want to THANK you for choosing me as your mother. For giving me love when I didn't deserve it. Even though your not here on this earth any more, I still get to share your love through me, with this I will always know that I am loved from the greatest gift I could had ever gotten... The love of a child with so much heart this world couldn't hold!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your CRAZY Lady.........
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