Dear Charli,

As a new year begins for us, it reminds me how your not here. We wait for a trial to start and as the days turn into months, even years for it. It seams that you will never get your chance in court. Our life has changed so much since your murder, there are days neither dad or I think we can get through. Our love for you has never falter, it grows more and more every day. We just wish you were here to see it and feel it. I struggle every second of the day to keep myself from breaking down and just giving up, I know that every one see's me as a strong person. If they only knew how weak I really am. I have learned how to put up a good front for the most part, but really all I want to do is break down and cry. For some one to tell me that it's OK to do that. It's OK to just be the "baby" that I feel I am. I have always been thought to not let any one see my emotions in public  I never really understood why, but I have done it for so many years now I don't think I can change it now. Some think that I am just a monster because I can't cry when I talk about you and what happen. It was drilled in my head for so many years not too, not to give people a weapon to bring me down further... To let anyone see my weak side. Even as I write this now I feel like I am letting you down, showing my true feeling. It's just that my heart and soul is so full of hurt this is the only way I know how to get some of it out. I long to see you and to hear your voice, I feel like I am losing every memory of you even being on this earth. I strain to remember your voice, I can see things that you have written and I can remember how your arms felt around me, but I for the life of me can't remember how your voice sounded. I've tried to recall any thing that has your voice on it and I can't find it. I've even tried to find old videos we made, but yet again there aren't any. I think that is what hurts the most, because as hard as I try I can't remember your voice, I know it's in my head some wheres. I just can't make myself find it. I wanted to write today about you and only you, not how I felt and how my feeling are, but this is what is coming out. I have found out through this horrible situation I am not the person I wanted to be. I don't think that you were murdered for me to find this out, but I do think because of it I have leaned so much about myself. I have learned that I can be a better person and that I can as you would say pull up my boot straps and take on what life has handed me. I've learned that your life the way you wanted to live it was a good way I, so should live mine. This is very weird for a parent to say that her child knew many more things about life in her short years, but I can now say that. I can say that with the heart you had for others and animals has made me look at how I was living and NOW I want to be a person that can help others in my situation and see how many animals I can find homes for. I now understand why you did the things you did for what you believed in. It took me losing you to understand this. It hurts like hell the pain, the heartache, the loss of my child. ( for no reason) But I am glad that I have been woken up to a new world of hope for others. I will strive to help in any way I can to see that other Parents get the help they need for a troubled teen and if the circumstances arise that they lose their child I will be there for a shoulder to lean on. To cry with them when they need to know that they are not alone in the pain of child loss... Charli I want to thank you for opening my eyes and teaching me that life is much better when you have a heart as big as yours to share with others. For the joy that you gave me for all the years I got to have you. I want to THANK you for choosing me as your mother. For giving me love when I didn't deserve it. Even though your not here on this earth any more, I still get to share your love through me, with this I will always know that I am loved from the greatest gift I could had ever gotten... The love of a child with so much heart this world couldn't hold!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Your CRAZY Lady.........